Thursday, May 3, 2007

What to do on Mother's Day if you're a cyborg

This was originally written by Todd as a humourous sidebar for the Mother's Day Feature. It was drastically modified and run over the course of three pages in the folio filler space (that's what we call the little grey-boxed blurbs at the bottom of each page).

As originally envisioned, it was going to be about what to do if you don't have a mother in general, but after some consideration, it seemed like making fun of orphans might not actually be that funny, so we modified the subject so that it was about cyborgs specifically. Because, like orphans, they don't have mothers. But unlike orphans, they're harder to offend. This is that version in its entirety, as an unedited, first draft. Enjoy.

If you’re a cyborg from the future, sent back in time to kill a young boy who will eventually become the leader of the underground human army, you probably don’t have a mother. Which can make things awkward on Mother’s Day. Here are a few tips on things you can do to pass the time while everyone else is celebrating the beauty of motherhood.

If you were supplied with a cell phone that can send messages into the future, you could call the mad scientist who laboured for years to bring you to sort-of life. He’s probably the closest thing you have to a parental figure, and if he’s like most mad scientists, you’re probably the closest thing he has to offspring. A hunch-backed lab assistant doesn’t really count.

Most cinemas have a variety of films to choose from, so make sure you avoid films described as “Touching,” or “A heart-wrenching drama about family.” It’ll just remind you of the mother-vacancy in your life. Instead, watch something brutal and violent and filled with blood and dismemberment. It’ll help you to stay focused on your mission. “300” might be a good choice.

Whether you want to slave over the stove to fix yourself a five course meal, or just dial up the local pizza joint for a delivery order, spending a little “You” time at home can help wash away the blues. Feel free to have a few too many drinks. Go ahead no one’s watching. And if they are, you can probably spot them with your X-Ray / Infrared vision. And at that point, they won’t be watching for long.

Sometimes experiencing mindless violence vicariously isn’t good enough. Sometimes you need to have a hand in it yourself.

In retrospect, I think the Folio Filler version of this was actually funnier.

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